When you watch as many movies as I do, sometimes you come across something that just blows your mind.  When this happens, it’s best to write it down and pray you never see it again.

What the F*** Was I Watching? : Game of Thrones Season 3, Episode 9 “The Rains of Castamere”
What the F*** Did I Just See? : The Red F***ing Wedding

SPOILERS!!!!!!!  TURN AROUND NOW!!!!!!

Note: This article was originally going to be about Mega Shark vs. Gatoroid, but even a movie in which Debbie Gibson says to Tiffany, “Looks like someone had bitch for breakfast”, it couldn’t compare to the holy-fuck inducing episode of Game of Thrones.

If you paid close enough attention to the way things have gone in the past few seasons, you just knew something was about to happen on Game of Thrones that was going to change a major dynamic of the entire show.  In season one, it was the death of Ned Stark.  In season two, it was the fall of Winterfell.  If you’re a savvy viewer of the show, you knew something was coming.  And if you read the books, you knew wedding bells were going to mark a severe shift in Westeros.

As an avid viewer who has yet to read the books, I’m sort of glad that I’ve ingested George RR Martin’s epic in this order.  While reading the books previously would give me the honor to tell everyone else that I’ve already read all of this and scoff at them for being puny mortals (maybe even spoiling plot points for them like King Douche), the payoff of this latest episode could not have been better.

This guy would spoil Game of Thrones.  Don't be a Joffrey, kids.
This guy would spoil Game of Thrones. Don’t be a Joffrey, kids.

If you had to label one family as the “heroes” of Game of Thrones, it’s the Starks.  The show set that tone in the first season with Ned Stark essentially being the main character; a man of honor and duty, he was instantly likable and his death was the first huge heartbreak of the series.  The rest off the Stark clan are more or less extensions of the patriarch and all are people of their word.  Except that one time that Robb Stark thought with his Direwolf instead of his father’s code of conduct.  And wouldn’t you know it, that is a fuck up he wouldn’t live to regret.

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Winter ain’t the only thing that’s coming… Get it?

You see, Robb Stark was supposed to marry one of Lord Frey’s homely daughters, and with that union, would solidify a relationship that could become a powerful tool in case there was ever a sociopathic teen king that needed to be overthrown.  But what are the chances of that happening?  But Robb falls in love with Talisa, a compassionate, smart woman with a Charlie Chaplin mustache just above her nether regions (probably).  The Starks try to compromise with Frey, offering Catelyn Stark’s brother Edmure as a replacement groom to a daughter, because otherwise, he’s pretty useless.  Lord Frey says, “That’s cool,” and then gives an exaggerated wink to Lord Bolton, which Robb and Catelyn unfortunately miss.

redwedding
No open bar.

The wedding is pretty successful.  Frey apparently had some sort of ringer daughter whom Robb could’ve married.  Edmure seemed relieved, as she was pretty cute.  Which goes to show that arranged marriages are great when the other person is more attractive than you.  (The Simpsons did it.)  Wine flows, food is consumed, and no one does the Electric Slide.  Then, shortly after the bizarre undressing ceremony (you remember that from the Tyrion-Sansa wedding, don’t you?), Lord Frey unleashes his Charles Manson-like machinations, having his men commit the biggest slaughter the series has yet to show.  They pay special attention to the unborn child in Talisa’s belly, which, I don’t care who you are, you’d have to take that personally if you’re a Stark.

In a scene seemingly straight out of a Shakespeare tragedy, everybody dies.  EVERYBODY… By everyone, I mean Robb, Talisa, Catelyn, fetus Stark, Grey Wind, Robb’s men, and Sean Bean again, just to make sure.  It’s pretty horrifying to watch it all unfold, especially as Catelyn pleads for the life of the only child she knows to be alive.  Also, did I forget to mention that they stab a pregnant woman’s stomach?  A lot?  Yeah, that happens.

I’m glad that I was able to watch this pretty unspoiled.  It’s one of the most jaw-dropping moments in recent television history and it reminded the viewer not to grow too attached to anyone.  No one is safe.

Here’s basically everyone else in the world reacting how I reacted.

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