When you watch as many movies as I do, sometimes you come across something that just blows your mind.  When this happens, it’s best to write it down and pray you never see it again.

What the F*** Was I Watching? : Grown Ups 2 Trailer
What the F*** Did I Just See? : 5 Terrible, Terrible Things

Holy f***ing Photoshop
Holy f***ing Photoshop

I usually reserve judgment on movies before I see them.  I mean, I’ll pick and choose what I want to see, and for that reason, I don’t go to the theater an extraordinary amount of times per year, but when things look like absolute garbage, and people that are capable of doing better than garbage make it, I need to speak up.  Especially after I saw the trailer for Grown Ups 2.

Grown Ups 2 is the inevitable follow-up to the madcap lazy adventures of middle-aged comedians.  It’s a bunch of friends getting together to make a movie and show the movie-going public how they’re such good friends.  They cast attractive actresses to play their wives and, kind of creepily, their daughters and make some HILARIOUS poop, fart, and pee jokes.  Then, they rape the audience to the tune of $162 million domestically.

grown-ups-2

Having just seen This is the End, a movie in which a bunch of friends get together to make a movie and show the movie-going public how they’re such good friends, this movie and its actors have a cloud of “has-been” hanging over them.  This is the End isn’t necessarily smarter or more highbrow than Grown Ups 2, but it sure as hell isn’t safe.  Not by a long shot.  It’s got its fair share of dick and bodily fluid jokes, but it does it with a freshness that the guys of Grown Ups just don’t seem to have time for.

Imagine, if you can stomach it, you go on a long weekend with your dad and all his buddies and they all think they’re the most hilarious people on Earth.  Maybe they were funny when they were in their twenties, getting drunk on the reg and banging chicks that ain’t your mom, but that was long before you sucked the life right out of them.  Now, you have to listen to them tell lame pun jokes or how they have sex with your mom on a semi-regular basis or just fart and you just have to take it because he’s your dad it’s kind of your fault that he’s so lame.  That’s what Grown Ups and Grown Ups 2 are.  The truth is parenthood, no matter what the Steve Martin movie will tell you, just isn’t funny; at least, not the way these guys try to mine jokes from it.

I don’t know when Adam Sandler and his crew became so out of touch with their core audience, but maybe they really aren’t out of touch.  This movie is going to rake in the dough, so Happy Madison has no reason to change the formula of dreck that they’ve been turning out consistently.  Everyone gets to live in a bigger house when all is said and done, and unfortunately, it seems that’s more important to these guys that maintaining some level of integrity.  It’s like if Adam Sandler’s character from Funny People came to our world Last Action Hero-style, killed the real Adam Sandler, and made Jack & Jill.  To put it into perspective: Adam Sandler is one year older than Will Ferrell, and while we’ll have to wait and see if Anchorman 2 holds a candle to the original, no one is accusing him of being tired, lazy, and out of touch.  And how Chris Rock can make Bigger and Blacker as well as this agonizingly uninspired crap is like looking into the Bizarro World.

I could go on, but this is already getting long in the tooth, so here’s  “The 5 Most Insulting Things in the Grown Ups 2 Official Trailer”.

 

5.  00:41 There’s a Deer in the Bedroom!

grown ups 2 deer

I wonder if that’s the same deer puppet from Tommy Boy.  You know what?  I bet it is.  This joke has 90’s sitcom written all over it.  In fact, I know that Full House had at least a donkey, a pig, and a chimpanzee run all around the Tanner household.  And that’s what Adam Sandler has resorted to: recycling jokes Bob Saget did 20 years ago.

4. 00:52 – And Now the Deer Pees All Over His Face!

grown ups 2 deer pee

Now that’s what I call high quality H2-OMG, amiright?  There’s probably an R. Kelly joke in here somewhere, but I’m better than that.  And you can probably make up your own.

3.  01:02 – Hey it’s Shaq!  And he’s doin’ stuff!

grown ups 2 shaq

These movies have just become excuses for stunt casting and what they do with it here is just odd.  What’s the importance of it being Shaq if he’s just going to start dancing for no reason?  It’s like there are competing punchlines here and none are very funny.  And I don’t want to touch the racial undertones of the fact that he dances around singing the most generic rap lyrics of all-time.

2.  01:46 – David Spade Gets Crushed By a Fat Guy… Again.

grown ups 2 kevin james

Of the four, it’s possible that David Spade is the least talented, but as a Joe Dirt fan, I’m well aware that he can be more than just the comic foil to the next fat guy that makes it big in Hollywood.

1. 02:00 – Gay Fear Mongering

Seriously, have we learned nothing from the groundbreaking Supreme Court case of the People vs. Chuck and Larry?

The two positive things I can note about this trailer is that it lacks use of “Walking on Sunshine” by Katrina and the Waves, the most overused song in trailer history. Though, “Nothin’ But a Good Time” is a bit of a copout.  It’s like some executive said, “You know, I get that these guys are having a good time, but I’m not sure Middle America will get how much of a good time these guys are actually having.”  The second good thing about this trailer is that it doesn’t have Rob Schneider.  But do you have any confidence that he’s not going to show up as his “You can do it”?  I didn’t think so.

Paulina Gretzky on set of "Grown Ups 2" for your troubles.
Paulina Gretzky on set of “Grown Ups 2” for your troubles.
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