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Hey, 90s kid!  Your adolescent dreams are about to come true.  Tonight (Friday), Jesse & the Rippers are reuniting to play on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.  Did the 8-year-old version of you just crap their footie pajamas?  You’re damn right they did, and that’s okay, because it’s going to be awesome.  Here’s a look back at the highlights of Uncle Jesse’s music career.

5. Uncle Jesse Attempts Heavy Metal with Vulture

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Who wouldn’t want to be in a heavy metal band before Kurt Cobain came around and sort of ruined it?  Fast cars, faster women, and piles of cocaine?  Sign everybody up, amiright, Charlie Sheen?  In one of Joey’s more hair-brained schemes, he talks Jesse into changing his image to a black-leather fringe-wearing front man, but if history has taught us anything, what you don’t do is let Joey in charge of anything.   When Jesse attempts to make his grand entrance by flying in like the predatory bird he so desperately wants to be, Joey pulls another boner and can’t get Jesse down.  Why he never manslaughtered the crap out of Joey through eight seasons is beyond me.

4. Hot Daddy and the Monkey Puppets Play Polka Music

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Hot Daddy and the Monkey Puppets were basically the Wings to Jesse & the Rippers’ version of the Beatles, and it was basically an excuse to give DJ a boyfriend in a post-Steve world. You know, other than that one rich kid who wound up being on every single TGIF show.  Hilarity ensues when Hot Daddy and the Monkey Puppets get mistaken for, get this, a polka band!  Fortunately, DJ’s new beau, Viper, is an expert accordion player and saves the day with his sink oompa skills.  It’s like hitting a homerun in the bottom of the ninth with a bratwurst.

3. Jesse & the Rippers Rock the Prom

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That is to say, they rock Steve’s prom.  We never get to see DJ’s prom because instead, we were treated to some lame episode about Michelle falling off her horse and getting amnesia, but then getting it back when the Olsen twins merge to form their far more talented and more attractive sister, Elizabeth.  But anyway, Jesse & the Rippers rocked that prom like nobody’s business.  They played that one song you know, then another one.  Then, they taught DJ not to get into a game of sexual one-upmanship with some slutty senior.  Droppin’ knowledge and the bass; all in a day’s work for the Jessman.

2. Uncle Jesse Plays Guitar at a Beach Boys Concert For No Reason

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The Beach Boys seemed to show up on every sitcom back in the 90s, and by every sitcom, I mean at least Full House and Home Improvement.  Back then, man, they loved selling out to ABC for some quick cash.  On the first stop on Full House, DJ wins a radio contest for backstage passes to a Beach Boys concert.  I won’t bore you with the details of having only TWO tickets (!), but suffice it to say, in the Beach Boys’ infinite wisdom, they bring the whole family (and I think Gibbler), because the Beach Boys are always ready to say “Fuck you” to radio shows and their “rules”.  But that’s not all!  The Tanner family is special guest on stage, probably leaving a lot of confused people in the audience.  But wait!  There’s more!  Uncle Jesse actually plays guitar with the band.  Yep, it’s a sitcom dream-come-true.

1. “Forever” by Jesse & the Rippers Hits the Billboard Charts

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That’s right.  Jesse & the Rippers had a formidable Top 100 Hit with “Forever”, the Beach Boys cover.  Of course, the success was short lived, falling off the Top 100 in two short weeks, but that didn’t keep Uncle Jesse down… although, by the end of the show, he virtually ended his music career in favor of his radio show.  And the Rippers would replace him with Barry Williams from The Brady Bunch and their single “April Girl” would go infinity platinum, but whatever.  Jesse & the Rippers will always have “Forever”.

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