main damie year in review

This month, we concentrated on putting a close on the 2013 movie year.  We discussed Best Performances, Best Moments, and even gave our lists of the Top 10 Movies of the Year.  For this week’s 5 For Friday, I’ve decided to look at the flipside and list my Bottom 5 movies of 2013.  While I would say that I missed some good nominees for this list, I feel this list is representative of what I experienced this year in movies.

5.  Sharknado


Out of all these movies, this is probably the only one that met expectations, which isn’t saying much.  Sharknado is a bad movie, but it’s at least entertaining; moreso than any of the other movies on this list.  It’s essentially here by default because I only saw around 24 movies and this just so happened to be in this spot.  The hype machine worked overtime on this one, so I guess I did hope for it to be a little better than the previous Asylum films, but I wouldn’t say I was disappointed in it.

4.  Lovelace

lovelace d09 _163.NEF

Who knew porn could be this boring?  Maybe it’s biopic fatigue, but Lovelace is what you get when you take a scintillating subject and give it a clinical adaptation.  The acting performances are fine: Amanda Seyfried is good enough to carry the movie and Peter Sarsgaard is a fine antagonist, but the material is a bit of a snoozefest.

After the film, I researched a bit of the story and I thought there were some glaring omissions, which has me question the story itself.  Lovelace pretends that Deep Throat is Lovelace’s first foray into adult films, but in actuality, she had done several short sex scenes (including one with a dog, ewww); films that are never once mentioned.  The inclusion (in this case, the exclusion) of these facts skews the narrative and makes it seem a bit dishonest.

3.  Man of Steel


I honestly don’t believe that Man of Steel is a bad movie, but it’s just not that great.  For the first two-thirds of the film, it’s fine.  I think the trailer made it look a bit more interesting than it actually was, but I’ll chalk that up to a decent trailer.  This is Superman, though.  This is supposed to be epic.  I can’t give a pass to a movie about Superman that is simply okay; Christopher Nolan ruined that for everyone.  If Batman got a series that was as good as it turned out, Superman deserves that, as well.  Throw in the last act, which just feels like major overkill, and Man of Steel is easily the most disappointed I’ve been at the theater in the past year.

2.  Texas Chainsaw


For most of the movie, Texas Chainsaw is a passable film.  There’s nothing really all that revolutionary within the first two acts, but there isn’t exactly anything offensive.  The gore is there, the eye candy (in the form of everyone’s new favorite Alexandra Daddario) is there, and it works as a continuation of the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre.  For the finale, however, the film takes an odd turn and we’re forced to root for Leatherface.  You remember that guy that killed a whole bunch of people in the first one?  And killed a whole bunch of people in this one?  Yeah, that guy.  It’s pretty stupid.

1.  Only God Forgives


Man, f*** this movie.  I was a fan of Drive, I promise, and while I’m all for experimentation in a narrative (See: Upstream Color), this movie was the most laborious waste of time that I’ve ever forced myself to subject myself to.  I can’t exactly put my finger on the exact reason why this film rubbed me so far in the wrong direction; it just did.  It’s all just a bunch of staring and cinematic masturbation.  It looks beautiful, which may be the reason for my strong dislike.  It’s obvious that there’s talent somewhere in the production, but it didn’t seem to affect the plot.