So I tried really hard last week to write up a conventional review for Game of Thrones, but I just didn’t really have the time to make sure it was proper and hit all the points.  Instead, I’ll be doing “3 Things I Learned” like I did for Game of Thrones.

If I said this was an important episode in the story, that would be an understatement.  This one’s a game changer, so let’s get right to it.  Here’s what I learned.



There Are Worse Things Than Death. Just Ask Theon Greyjoy… I mean Reek.


At least the Stark brood received the dignity of a relatively quick death. Any insult after injury has been done after they’ve been six feet under. Unfortunately, for Theon, death cannot come soon enough. Once the cocksure heir of the Iron Islands, Theon is literally left cockless, as Lord Bolton’s bastard son may have had an itchy “remove-Theon-Greyjoy’s-penis-finger” and done so before clearing it with his father. Now, Theon is left a shambling, twitchy mess that can’t even muster the will to give the bastard Bolton a fatefully close shave.

Having not read the books, I can only gather than redemption is waiting in the wings for Theon, but at what level and when is beyond me. Honestly, he’s already gone through the ringer and it’s not entirely deserved. Sure, he should have to do some penance for betraying the Starks, but there has to be a let-up point. Even Charles Schulz gave Charlie Brown a break on Christmas.


Let’s Not Let Joffrey Plan Any Parties Again


Seriously, why must this little taint ruin every moment of merriment that passes his way? At every turn he has to turn a celebration into an odd spectacle of his own mania. You’d think that Jaime would take his son aside and give him the back of his iron hand; but no, he’s too busy pining for the days where he could gladly sheath his Valyryan steel inside his sister’s… I don’t know. Insert your preferred Game of Thrones reference that can double as a euphemism for vagina here.

King Joffrey is a master of turning celebratory feasts and gatherings into an exhibition of awkward silences and his target for all this buzzkilling this time around happens to be his uncle, Tyrion, and his bride, Sansa Stark. First, he starts off by testing his brand new sword, which he received as a gift from his grandfather Tywin, on a book that his uncle gave to him. If that weren’t enough, Joffrey decided to class up the joint by reenacting several key deaths of the war (including Robb Stark’s) with a troupe of dwarves. He’s truly awful and basically the Game of Thrones version of a wedding DJ that unironically plays Kool and the Gang’s “Celebration” or that one song that calls out all the steps and one of them is “Charlie Brown!” I don’t know the name of it, but it sucks.


Joffrey Deserved All the Deaths


I don’t remember how it was spoiled for me, but I did know that Joffrey wasn’t long for this world once he got married, but I wasn’t sure how it was going to happen. This balance of knowledge and unknowing made the final scene of this episode that much more intense. Every moment of the wedding, from the movements of every character to every single bratty thing Joffrey did just heightened my senses for what I knew would be the endgame. For this, I must give credit to how well this scene plays out. It’s an impressively paced scene, with the tension growing with each passing moment and I’d have to say that the payoff worked for me.

Joffrey managed to focus our hatred to one golden-haired little douche. He managed to meld the pure shittiness of Hitler with the entitled, spoiled bullshit of Justin Bieber, creating the most punchable little asshole television will ever see. Every death you could think of was too good for him because he needed more than one. They need to make a spinoff in which Joffrey dies in every episode, each death more elaborate than the last. I’d watch the shit out of that.