Dawn of the Planet of the Apes comes out this weekend, and if the early word is true, it may be the best movie of the summer. And there’s no doubt, to me, as to why it will be good: apes. Apes are awesome, especially chimpanzees in tuxedos, so in a year that has been a little lackluster, there is one surefire way to improve past releases. Here are just 5 Movies From 2014 Made Better With Apes.
5. Heaven is For Real
Original IMDB Synopsis: A small-town father must find the courage and conviction to share his son’s extraordinary, life-changing experience with the world.
Now Improved with Apes: His son meets God, who happens to be an Australopithecus, the third link in human evolution.
Scoffed at for being Christian propaganda, as it dismisses any logical explanation with a “Yeah, but what if…” mentality, throwing apes into it would most assuredly please the Darwin crowd. I don’t think this movie is either good nor bad based on its philosophy, but it would make for a completely different movie if we had a Neanderthal god telling the cherublike little brat what’s what. Plus, maybe Greg Kinnear wouldn’t be so insufferable.
4. Neighbors
Original IMDB Synopsis: A couple with a newborn baby face unexpected difficulties after they are forced to live next to a fraternity house.
Now Improved with Apes: It’s not a frat house, it’s a zoo.
Hijinx in a frat house setting is good and all, but apes are true natural pranksters. For all the hilarious stuff that Zac Efron and his cronies may do in Neighbors, nothing is a trump card quite like flinging your own feces. You can’t top it. I dare you to try.
3. The Grand Budapest Hotel
Original IMDB Synopsis: The adventures of Gustave H, a legendary concierge at a famous European hotel between the wars, and Zero Moustafa, the lobby boy who becomes his most trusted friend.
Now Improved with Apes: The adventures of Gustave H, a legendary concierge at a famous European hotel between the wars and his sidekick chimpanzee lobby boy.
The best ape movies are usually a riff on the buddy movie, and if there’s anything better than seeing a chimpanzee in a tuxedo, it’s seeing a chimpanzee in a pre-WWII lobby boy costume, complete with bellboy hat. Chimpanzees are naturally hilarious, and not in the super-Wes Anderson twee kind of hilarity that we come to expect. Throwing in a chimp will bridge the gap between Anderson’s usual humor and the type of humor that puts butts in the seats.
2. Blended
Original IMDB Synopsis: After a blind date gone horribly wrong, Jim and Lauren agree they never, ever want to see each other again. Well, that’s all about to change when the two find themselves and their respective families (including children) all stuck together in one suite at an African Safari vacation spot. (DeAlan Wilson/ComedyE.com)
Now Improved with Apes: While on safari, Jim is beaten to death by a pack of baboons. The baboons abduct the children, raising them as their own.
Let’s face it: for the past decade or so, every Adam Sandler movie has made me hope that it ends with him getting beaten to death by a pack of wild apes. Sandler has basically admitted that he’s only making movies so that he can go on vacation and, while I admire the candor, it’s no excuse to churn out shit each and every year. So, while maybe wishing harm to come to Sandler, the actor, may be a little much, I feel no remorse that I secretly only bad things happen to the characters he plays. A swarm of baboons seems appropriate in this instance.
1. Godzilla
Original IMDB Synopsis: The world’s most famous monster is pitted against malevolent creatures who, bolstered by humanity’s scientific arrogance, threaten our very existence.
Now Improved with Apes: Godzilla takes on motherf***ing King Kong!
It’s the movie we want; just give it to us already.
The Main Damie 