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Can you believe it’s been over a year since the world witnessed the first ever Sharknado movie? Back in those crazy days of 2013, we posted a list of 5 Things We Learned From Sharknado, which including Australian speech patterns, the science of blowing shit up just because, and chainsaws. This year, the Asylum has brought us another edition of this phenomenon and the lessons continue to come in. So for this late version of 5 For Friday, we’re doing 5 Things We Learned From Sharknado 2.

 

5. Ian Ziering is a B-Movie God

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This is something that you’re just going to have to accept. Also known as “That Other Guy From 90210” (to me, anyway), Ian Ziering just totally gets these movies and while these movies may not be artistic masterpieces, they’re usually pretty entertaining, but you need someone that’s game to carry the film. In that way, Ian Ziering is basically the Bruce Campbell of the Asylum.

Who’s going to land the plane? Fin is. Who’s going to lasso a shark and impale it on the Empire Sate Building? Fin is. Who’s going to save Mets fans at Citi Field… Hopefully no one, but if it has to be someone, let it be Fin. He’s the closest thing this movie has to a superhero and Ian Ziering is perfect in the role. I’m glad to see the guy is doing his thing; he seems to be a nice guy and he’s really having fun in this role.

PS Ian, if you’re reading this: If you heard someone yell out, “Donna Martin graduates!” at ‘Essen in SoHo a few months ago, that was me. Sorry.

 

4. My Dad Totally Got That Reference!

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I have to give credit where credit is due: the makers of Sharknado 2 reached far back in the recesses of pop culture in order to pull out some of their best cameos, and I bet my dad, who called Sharknado 2 the “greatest sequel ever” totally got them.

Who better to play a cab driver in New York City than Guy From Taxi, himself, Judd Hirsch? It’s such an obvious fit that I’m surprised it hasn’t been done before. And if it has, I don’t give a shit because Sharknado 2 did it.

That wasn’t all Sharknado 2 offered in cameos that baby boomers approved of. There was also Robert Hays flying an airplane, which I’m sure elicited a “Who?” from some snot-nosed teen, which then made his dad call him an idiot and then promptly put on Airplane! on Netflix Instant. Family bonding. That’s what Syfy original movies are all about.

 

3. This Movie Got the New York Subway System All Wrong

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This train is empty, which means it’s probably full of shit.

The same day Sharknado 2 premiered, it was a nice, normal summer morning in New York City. It was warm, humid, and not a cloud in the sky. That didn’t stop the 1 train from having severe delays for the better part of the morning commute, however.

I prefer the subway from taxis, but that doesn’t mean that I’m blind to the fact that the system tends to break down over the slightest inconvenience. Sick passenger? Forget it. That thing is going to keep you at Penn Station until the fever breaks. So I have a hard time believing that our heroes would be able to board a train from Citi Field with virtually no evidence of train traffic during a massive storm with sharks in it. Threshold for disbelief maxed out, friends.

 

2. Seriously, Where’s My 90210 Reunion?

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Okay, Sharknado, this is the second time you let me down. First, you give Ian Ziering a bitchy ex-wife and you DON’T cast Shannen Doherty. I’ll let that slide. I mean, I’ve heard Doherty is incredibly hard to work with. But this missed opportunity cannot be excused.

In Sharknado 2, Mark McGrath plays Ian Ziering’s brother-in-law and longtime friend. While I appreciate the gonzo nature of casting Sugar Ray in anything, how could this role not be filled by any male member of the 90210 cast? Are you telling me that Brian Austin Green is too busy? Seriously? I’m pretty sure Jason Priestly is around and Luke Perry would have had an easy commute from the New York City YMCA that he’s no doubt living in.

Listen up, Asylum: for Sharknado 3, if we don’t get anyone else from 90210, we riot. And it better be anyone besides Tori Spelling. She’s just the worst.

 

1. Everyone’s Having Fun… Except Tara Reid

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As I mentioned in #5, Ian Ziering seems to be having a ton of fun in these movies, and, for the most part, that feeling permeates throughout the rest of the cast. Everyone seems to know what they’re in and they have fun winking at the audience. That is, of course, except for Tara Reid.

Poor, poor Tara Reid. You’d think that if she couldn’t figure out what kind of movie she was it after the first one, she would have figured it out by the end of the second one. It has nothing to do with the fact that she’s not trying, because she is. She’s trying and she’s painfully failing at it and that happens to be the problem. Watching her act is like watching someone try to pass a stubborn bowel movement. She’s struggling, but you can’t do anything to help her. It’s just a shame.

I don’t know what happened. Not long ago, Tara was a verified starlet. She may not have been a great actress ever, but she had sex appeal and could be serviceable in a comedy. Even as late as her recurring role on Scrubs she showed off at least a little glimmer of some comedic talent, even if she was playing an extension of herself. Now, it feels like an eternity since American Pie and you just really want her to figure out, like the rest of the cast, exactly the type of movie she’s in.

All in all, we should count ourselves lucky that we have movies like Sharknado 2 around. No joke, in a week that has been pretty bleak in terms of news, it’s quite amazing to see the amount of positivity that surrounded a silly movie involving tornadoes infested with sharks. Thank you, Asylum, for giving us something that could take our minds off of things for a short moment. And for teaching us how awesome chainsaws are.

 

 

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