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The Expendables 3 comes out today, if you care. Plenty of people have already seen it, as it leaked online months ago. I haven’t seen it, regardless, but I have no interest in ever seeing it. I’ve seen the first one, and that was just okay, so I have no true hopes for this being any good. Plus, it’s currently rotten on Rotten Tomatoes, so I don’t feel like I have to apologize. However, if they implemented some of these changes, I would maybe entertain the idea of checking it out.

5. Make It A Comedy

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In The Expendables 3, Barney and his gang of old dudes recruit a bunch of youngins to help do the job. In doing so, it kind of went against the point of the original film. What was neat about the original was that it brought together some heavy-hitting icons from a bygone era; save for Ronda Rousey, I don’t know who the hell any of these new people are.

Instead, if they chose to go this route of bringing in new people, they could have brought in some bright young comedic talent to spice things up a bit. 22 Jump Street was a huge comedic hit that had its share of action; why not throw Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum into the mix of new blood? Or how about Simon Pegg? Not only is he in the new Star Trek films, he also made one of the best action comedies ever, Hot Fuzz. Rather than dig at the bottom of the barrel of people no one has ever heard of, this could’ve been a perfect opportunity to bring in some young comedic talent.

4. Nicolas Cage

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Here’s a stone cold fact for you: Nicolas Cage makes everything better. He’s like the bacon of Hollywood. You put Nicolas Cage in any movie and you’ve increased enjoyment by tenfold. Titanic? Imagine Nic Cage instead of Leo. Amistad? Nic Cage beats Matthew McConaughey any day of the week. And this fact also translates to movies that aren’t named after historical boats, so it just makes sense to put him in The Expendables 3. He should reprise his role as Cameron Poe from Con-Air and help Barney and his crew by infiltrating a hillbilly gang of white tank top aficionados. Just give him crazy hair and let the man do his thing.

3. Go For the R Rating

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This PG-13 bullshit is killing me and is one of the reasons I hate teenagers. They love going to the movies more than they love masturbating, so the studios are doing the next best thing to doling out handjobs for $11 a pop: they cater to the little shitbags. Most of these snot-nosed kids don’t give a shit about Stallone or Willis or Schwarzenegger, so why bother with keeping this thing squeaky clean? Let’s throw some fucks into the mix, use practical blood effects and show off the brass ones that these movies are supposed to possess. Let’s swing for the fences one last time guys; you’re getting old as fuck.

2. Kill Off Stallone

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Has Stallone ever died in a goddamn movie? In the original cut of First Blood, he was supposed to, but obviously they must’ve realized that would have made a sequel damn near impossible and I, for the life of me, cannot think of any movie where he doesn’t come out the hero at the other end. Even Seagal dies in Executive Decision, and that guy’s notorious for hubris so immense that you can probably count the amount of times an enemy has landed a single blow on him on a single hand.

Shake this shit up a bit: kill off Stallone’s character, if for no other reason, because his name is Barney and that’s a stupid name to give a character that isn’t a purple dinosaur. Let someone else be the hero for a change, Stallone, so we don’t have to listen to you mumble incoherently through an entire movie.

Note: Doing quick research, it looks like Stallone has died in a handful of movies, including the original Death Race. He hasn’t died in a movie since the 1970’s, though, so it’s probably time to mix it up a little bit.

1. Make It A Porno Called The Sexpendables 3

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Even better than going the comedic route, just skip all the pomp and circumstance and give us the porn parody version that we’re waiting for. The title lends itself to the easy porn parody version The Sexpendables 3; a quick search doesn’t even come up with anything of any interest. How has this not been made already?

The fact that The Expendables 3 brings in young recruits gives you the ability to bring in today’s young starlets and mix them with legends of the adult entertainment industry. Of course, I couldn’t name ANY of these people without doing a little bit of “research”, but the Google tells me that people named Jenna Jameson, Sasha Grey, and Ron Jeremy are all names of some stature to perverts that watch this kind of stuff. And let me tell you something: perverts love to spend money on the porn. Mix these people in with whatever trollops are headlining the skin flicks these days and I’m sure it’ll make a ton of money.

Editor’s Note: Seeing as how I’ve never seen a single pornographic film (wink), I had to reach out to The Main Damie’s Chief Erotica Expert, Dan Aquino, to figure out who would star in The Sexpendables 3.  He’s suggested: Jenna Jameson, Jenna Haze, Belladonna, Asa Akira, Kagney Linn Karter, Jayden James, Briana Banks, Miko Lee, and Evan Stone.  I’m sure those are all their real names.  

It’s pretty simple to make the changeover: go through the script and highlight all the gun battles and fight scenes. Cross all the action lines in the script and replace it with “and then they have sex”. That’s it. It’s basically people throwing down their guns to engage in the beautiful and natural act of lovemaking. If this happened in the real world, there’d be no wars and the news would be a whole lot sexier.

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