So we’ve already shared Dan’s Badass Team and Mark’s team, too, so we finish off the Badass Draft with my team.  Obviously, this is the best team, but I’ll let it speak for itself.

Swordsman: Westley AKA the Man in Black, The Princess Bride

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In the interest of full-disclosure, I’ll admit that Mark’s pick of the Bride left me a bit unprepared, as I would have picked her as well. Luckily, I think I made the right decision. I almost picked Inigo Montoya, but I think the Man in Black is the right choice. Westley is cunning, crafty, and an excellent swordsman. He’s also not being motivated by revenge, so he’s more tactful than the vengeful Inigo. Wesley can spar with the best of them and while his style may be a little more refined than someone trained in the ways of the samurai, it shouldn’t be seen as a detriment. NFL Equivalent: Drew Brees

Hand-to-Hand: Black Dynamite, Black Dynamite

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Why isn’t Michael Jai White a bigger star? The dude is crazy fit and has impeccable charisma to boot. Black Dynamite not only knows how to talk his way out of trouble (and into the pants of many bitches), but he can also destroy people with his righteous kung fu. It’s sick how good he is and on this team, he’d be both enforcer and leader. NFL Equivalent: Marshawn Lynch

Gun Specialist: León, León: The Professional

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For my money, a quiet guy with a gun has a place on my team any day of the week. Leon is a man of few words, but he’s professional (Hey, that’s the name of the movie!), thorough, and a tactician. He can kill you from long range or he can get in dirty and destroy a whole SWAT team in close quarters. Stansfield had to call in EVERYONE just to try and take down Leon, so you know not to tangle with this dude when it comes to the guns. NFL Equivalent: Russell Wilson

Female Badass: River, Serenity

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River is like unleashing an unbridled force of nature on your opponent. She’s like the Tasmanian Devil of this team. You just send her off and take a few steps back because she’s going to tear shit apart. Plus, she’s very small, so if there were a situation similar to The A-Team and we all had to pile into a van, she’d take up very little room, which is nice. But this mostly has to do with how much of a badass she can be when she lets loose.   NFL Equivalent: Darren Sproles

 

Wild Card: Dalton, Roadhouse

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I could simply say that Dalton is played by Patrick Swayze and end this all here. That’s all you need to know. But I’ll remind you that he rips a fucking dude’s throat out with his bare goddamn hands. That’s tenacious and a bit crazy. I need a guy that I can barely trust on my team. That’s what makes him a wild card. He’s going to fuck people up; that’s a given. It’s just a matter of how bad he can go off. NFL Equivalent: Rob Gronkowski

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