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Are you someone that grew up in the 90s? If you are, then I’m sure you’ve seen at least one episode of Full House. If you’re a fan, maybe you saw The Unauthorized Full House Story and were promptly horrified by the inaccuracies. From the ridiculous wigs, and casting that works if you close your eyes (at least they casted an attractive woman for Lori Loughlin), this thing was a shit show. Here’s 5 things that they missed the mark on with this thing.

Those Generic Episode Plot Lines Aren’t Full House’s Generic Episode Plot Lines

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Full House was not a groundbreaking show. Everything they did was pretty generic, pretty bland. Even so, there were some moments they could’ve at least tried to reference. How about the time DJ tried to lose a ton of weight in time for Kimmy’s pool party? Or the time Stephanie drove Joey’s classic car into the kitchen? Or how about one of those fantastic episodes that reminded you that John Stamos totally knew the Beach Boys? Instead, we get lame “episodes” like Uncle Jesse failing to know how to dye eggs (never happened) or some banal scene where DJ and Danny argue about her getting to go somewhere (Didn’t happen until she got older, and it was Spain).

I may be just a simple man that grew up in the 90’s and have seen every episode of Full House an embarrassing amount of times, but who else is this movie directed to but this sad, mid-20s to early 30s population? There certainly isn’t enough drama in this movie to bring a wide audience in, so at least get some things right.

That Goddamn Excuse For an Opening

This is what it's supposed to look like.
This is what it’s supposed to look like.

One of the most enduring things about the legacy of Full House is the opening theme song and credits. Now, seeing as how this TV movie is “unauthorized”, I’ll accept that they couldn’t get the iconic theme song, but what the fuck was that opening about. Not a single shot of the Golden Gate Bridge, not a single trolley car, they couldn’t even give us yellow text for the opening credits. Why even bother with showing us this if you’re going to go about it with an “Eh, fuck it. Just use Helvetica.” Helvetica is for chumps; I would’ve accepted Comic Sans in this case, but you couldn’t even scroll through your goddamn fonts folder.

Michelle’s Age is Too Damn High!

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Michelle is the worst, most vile character in the history of television. Don’t give me anything about Omar from The Wire. Michelle is horrible. She’s selfish, conniving, and a grade A brat. Remember when Mr. Bond was going to pay a ridiculous amount of money to buy the house and then they all decided not to because Michelle was sad? Yeah, fuck her.

Anyway, it’s important to note that the Olsen twins were infants when the show started. Not fully functioning toddlers with a vocabulary. It’s probably got something to do with the difficulty of filming infants, but if you don’t have the stones to take on a true-to-life Full House story, don’t even try. We didn’t need it and we sure as hell don’t need an inaccurate one.

Joey Was Not an Uncle

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In one of the first clips released before the movie aired this past weekend, the dialogue let slip one of the most egregious errors the TV movie made. During the rehearsal of the famous Joey sleepwalks scene from Full House (just kidding, this never happened), “Bob Saget” as Danny Tanner calls Joey “Uncle Joey”. Uncle. Joey. You may be thinking that this isn’t a big deal. But it’s a big fucking deal. Joey Gladstone was the lifelong best friend of Danny Tanner. He lived in his house for eight years, helped him raised his daughters, and not once did anyone call him uncle, either by a Freudian slip or by a term of endearment. The Tanners made it very clear that Joey was not family and we should not discount this. Shame on you, Lifetime.

That Right-to-Left Reading Set

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The so-called Full House set in this TV movie wasn’t even close to what fans have grown accustomed to over the past thirty years. Everyone knows that TV shows that have the front door on the right side of the set are inherently evil (The Cosby Show, enough said.) Full House always had the front door on the left side and we were all better for it. But it wasn’t just the flow of the house that was wrong. Where was the basement stairs in the kitchen? Where was the second stairs? Where’s the alcove that Joey used to sleep in before they redid the garage? To me, it looks like this movie had very little options of usable sets, and if I had to guess, they used Ray’s house from Everybody Loves Raymond (another right-to-left set). The set is a disgrace, plain and simple. At least The Unauthorized Saved By the Bell Story sort of got the school hallway right. I understand that there’s copyright issues with replicating the actual set, but put some effort into making it not look like complete shit.

All in all, The Unauthorized Full House Story was an exercise in frivolousness.  There was no true behind-the-scenes drama, no intrigue, just your standard “Are we going to get cancelled?” stories.  On top of the fact that they were limited in what they could show in terms of copyright, why would they even bother.  The time and resources could’ve been put towards a more interesting story.  I went into this expecting a train-wreck, and instead, it was more along the lines of a train stalled on the tracks.

Anthony Del Vecchio cannot wait for Fuller House.  Follow him on Twitter.  

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