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Admittedly, this 5 For Friday was supposed to coincide with 31 Days of Horror, but I just didn’t have time to get the whole article written, but it’s not that horror-related, so here it is. These characters all could be hiding something sinister under their mostly upbeat demeanor. Don’t trust them. They’ve probably killed before.

 

5. Ricky Fitts, American Beauty

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Sure, maybe I’m picking on weird loners with this one, but Ricky Fitts is a freak. Nobody that has videotaped a bag in the wind, calling it “the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen” should be trusted around sharp knives or any caliber of gun. Whether he killed Lester or not is all up for interpretation, but I’m confident that Ricky Fitts spent his childhood pulling the wings off of flies as he cried at the majesty of it all. This douchey asshole would kill a drifter, videotape it, and just chalk it up to the cycle of life. And he’d probably stare at you without blinking for a really long time. And he probably killed Lester.

 

4. Andy Dufresne, The Shawshank Redemption

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Oh, come on! Dude shows up drunk with a gun to where his wife was getting the old “dogleg left” from some local golf pro, they get murdered using the same sort of gun Andy supposedly “threw in a river”, and we’re supposed to believe that he didn’t do it? I know this is supposed to be some tale about the triumph of the human spirit, but Red is feeding you a story here. Andy Dufresne may have not even really existed; he could’ve just been a figment to make Red’s time in Shawshank that much more tolerable, but if he was real, that dude fucking did it. He’s as guilty as all those other assholes at that prison. Get busy livin’, or get murdered by Andy Dufresne.

 

3. Mary Poppins, Mary Poppins

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There’s some shady shit going on with Mary. She’s gotta be some sort of black widow or something. She shows up at the doorof the Banks’ residence unannounced, and with no references, she jimmies her way into a job as a nanny. A mysterious woman that doesn’t look like Julie Andrews would surely have thrown up some red flags. She’s lucky she’s got those rosy cheeks. Suspicions should still be on high alert, though, especially when she starts bringing your kids around street urchins and chimney sweeps. Most of what I know about chimney sweeps come from lyrics by the Decemberists, and let me tell you, they do not paint a flattering picture at all. She’s also dealing with some sort of psychosis, as some of her best friends are animated penguins.  Banks is very lucky Poppins didn’t flay his children, but I’m still surprise they didn’t wind up as sex slaves for slapstick comedians posing as cockney laborers.

 

2. Luke Skywalker, The Star Wars Trilogy

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This is just basic genetics. Luke’s daddy was a sociopath. He slaughtered Sand People like animals (HE HATES THEM!). He…killed…younglings! He even killed his own wife due to a “broken heart”. Hate to break it to you, Lukie-boy: the dark side is in your blood. Luke even admits to “bulls-eyeing womp rats” in his T-16 back home. This is the Tatooine equivalent of skinning the neighbor’s cat just for shits and giggles. He’s not even all that broken up about the death of his aunt and uncle: pure sociopathic tendencies. Even Mark Hamill pitched an evil Luke to JJ Abrams himself, so he knows what is lying underneath those swaddling clothes: a straight up cold-blooded killer.

 

1. Forrest Gump, Forrest Gump

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“Serial” may be pushing it, but in the span of Forrest’s entire story, everyone around him dies. Jenny, Blue, Mama, JFK, they all kick the bucket long before Gump ever does. It kind of makes you think. Don’t forget: we’re at the mercy of Forrest Gump’s brain – his sweet, folksy, mentally stunted brain. It stands to reason that we’re not exactly dealing with the most reliable of narrators. He could be pulling a Keyser Soze, with his Alabama charm. Maybe he glossed over all the hippies he murdered and then dumped off the side of his shrimping boat. We do know that he has a temper, especially when it comes to Jenny. I bet he killed that dude that she tried to bang in the car, probably her daddy, too.

 

 

 

 

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