Christmas movies are some of the most timeless movies Hollywood has ever produced. Why else would It’s a Wonderful Life get at least one airing per year on national television? Not everything stands the test of time, however, so here’s 5 Christmas Movies That Would Be Completely Different in the Modern World.
5. Die Hard
The Plot: A Thief and His Crew Create an Elaborate Heist Scheme to Break into a Corporation’s Vault
Hans Gruber and his band of exceptional thieves have the perfect plan of robbing Takagi’s millions of dollars. It’s an elaborate scheme that includes hostages, the FBI, and blowing the roof off the tower. The only problem is one John McClane.
The Solution: Hacking
Now I’m not siding with Gruber in this one, but today he would barely have to lift a finger in order to try and get into Takagi’s vault. Today, Takagi’s money would barely exist in the physical world, barely amounting to just numbers on a bank statement. Gruber wouldn’t have to go through all the trouble of staging a hostage situation and running afoul of McClane and would be able to spend his Christmas ordering his band of exceptional hackers to hack the world for the millions he seeks. Much more sophisticated.
4. Home Alone
The Plot: A Family Oversleeps for Their Flight and They Leave Their Son Home Alone For Christmas
The worst family in the world, the McCallisters, decides to go to Paris for Christmas. When everyone oversleeps, they mad-dash to the airport, but accidentally leave Kevin behind.
The Solution: The TSA
Cell phones would also be a good answer for this one, as using just one cell phone as an alarm clock would have prevented everyone from being late. But the TSA would have stepped in and made this movie Home Alone For a Couple of Hours. With the way airport security works these days, the McCallisters have no chance of making their flight. They probably wouldn’t have gotten through security in time before the gate closed, probably stranding them at the airport for hours. In that time, they would surely realize that they forgot Kevin and would either figure out a way to get him to the airport or they would go back to get him. But they threw out his ticket anyway, so he wouldn’t be able to get on the flight, regardless.
3. Jingle All the Way
The Plot: A Father Forgets to Get the Most Popular Christmas Toy And Must Spend Christmas Eve Searching For It
Shitty dad and husband Howard (Arnold Schwarzenegger) forgets to buy his kid a Turboman doll before Christmas Eve, so he spends the whole day trying to come up with one. And as outlined last year, he does a whole lot of awful things to get one.
The Solution: Online Shopping
Make no mistake, Howard is going to fuck up regardless, but in this day and age, Howard’s wife wouldn’t have waited around for her jackass husband to buy the gift. She would’ve been able to secure it during a Cyber Monday sale and spent the rest of the holiday season trolling for a better husband on Tinder.
2. It’s a Wonderful Life
The Plot: Mr. Potter Steals $8,000 From the Savings and Loan, Causing George Bailey to Consider Suicide
The entire premise of It’s a Wonderful Life consists around how much shit George Bailey is ready to take before he wants to jump off a goddamn bridge. What sets him to his breaking point is a wheel-chaired shitbag Mr. Potter, who basically steals a whole lot of the townspeople money in order to try and ruin George’s life and the Savings and Loans. I have a feeling if Bailey does take the trip over the side of that bridge, Mr. Potter would never lose a minute of sleep.
The Solution: Online Banking
If we were being even more realistic, the Savings and Loan and probably the bank wouldn’t even exist in today’s time. Citibank would’ve bought them both out in the 1980s and it would all be housed under one corporate roof. But let’s just pretend for a second that mom and pop savings and loan offices still exist and that a lousy cripple wouldn’t bat an eye at outright stealing eight grand from hard-working people.
With online banking, the townspeople wouldn’t even need to worry about some jackass losing an entire envelope full of their hard-earned cash. The Savings and Loan nowadays would be dealing with routing numbers instead of a fat wad of cash. Everyone has a great Christmas and George Bailey gets to spend another day not contemplating suicide. But maybe he’s a time bomb and this just prolongs the inevitable. Maybe he goes to the bridge when it isn’t Christmas and the spirit of the season isn’t there to save him. So George Bailey probably dies, leaving Mary a poor spinster librarian.
1. A Christmas Story
The Plot: Ralphie Wants a BB Gun, But His Mom Thinks It’s Dangerous.
All Ralphie wants is a Red Ryder BB Gun. His mom being a sane and responsible human being has some reservations about getting her son a firearm for Christmas. So Ralphie schemes to try and get it, but eventually, his dad just gets it for him, regardless.
What’s Changed: Internet Outrage
Today, one way or another, this would become a firestorm of hate from both sides of the political debate on Twitter and other social media. The mother would be lambasted for stepping on her son’s 2nd Amendment rights. The father would be persecuted on Jezebel for going ahead and buying his son the BB Gun, a further example of the patriarchy. The mother gets grotesque death and rape threats from gun nuts and Men’s Rights Activists, while the dad has pictures of him caressing his sweet leg lamp and abusing the Bumpus hounds distributed all over Gawker. Social Services are called and the boys become a part of a failing foster care system. The bounce around when each foster parent can’t deal with how much of a pain in the ass Randy is. Meanwhile, Ralphie continues along a path of narcissism, selfishness, and potty mouth.
Unrelated, Flick probably gets his dick stuck in a vacuum cleaner hose.