While we’re in the home stretch of our 25 Days of Christmas theme that Mark is currently tackling, what kind of movie website would we be if we didn’t do a damn thing concerning Star Wars. That’s right, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens came to theaters last night, and even if your Facebook feed remains spoiler free, it seems like this installment is everything everyone hoped it would be. The prequels, however, were the same case.
As I was 14 when Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace came out, my first reaction to it was positive. I saw it three times in theaters. As I got older, I see its flaws. People were disappointed to say the least, and most of their frustrations were taken out on Jar Jar Binks. Rightfully so, as he was a horrible character, but these movies are flawed even further than a walking, talking Rasta lizard. So here’s 5 Things From The Star Wars Prequels That Sucked Even More than Jar Jar Binks.
5. CGI Jedi Moves
Have you ever had pizza? Have you ever eaten an entire pizza by yourself. I have, and let me tell you, somewhere between slice 5 and slice 8, you’re no longer hungry, but you say “Fuck it. I’ve come this far.” That’s what it feels like happened when George Lucas looked over his prequels and decided the Jedi should be superheroes and should jump really high and should flip for the fuckall of it. I mean, the entire environment is CGI. Who gives a fuck if there’s a little more, right?
This is actually one thing that The Phantom Menace showed restraint with. One of the reasons why the lightsaber fight with Darth Maul works is that it feels real. No one is flipping like crazy like Yoda in Attack of the Clones and they’re not surfing on tubular lava waves like at the end of Revenge of the Sith. It’s just two guys taken on the demon from Insidious.
4. That Stupid Fucking Scene at the Droid Factory
By far, to me, the worst movie of the prequels has to be Attack of the Clones. It doesn’t seem to get anything right, from the romance portion (more on that later) right down to the bloated runtime. One of the main things that needlessly adds to the length (it is the longest Star Wars film to date) is the stupid scene at the droid factory, which turns the entire movie into a Super Nintendo platformer video game for entirely too long. It’s ridiculous, long, and serves no major purpose at all.
Watch this bullshit here.
Halfway through The Phantom Menace, it’s entirely possible you mistook the theater you were sitting in for a time machine and had a sense of dread that you were hurled into the future to a screening of Battlefield Earth, because when Liam Neeson starts spouting off about microscopic bullshit that creates the Force, you would’ve swore that this was some sort of L. Ron Hubbard propaganda.
The idea of midi-chlorians originated in The Phantom Menace, meaning George Lucas took the magic of the films from your childhood and retconned it down to nothing more than a sperm count. Anakin isn’t The Chosen One because of some prophecy; they just assume he’s the Chosen One because he’s got a dickload of microscopic organisms living inside him. He doesn’t need training, just antibiotics.
2. All the Political Talk
One of the main reasons for Jar Jar Binks to even exist is that George Lucas wanted to appeal to kids more with these movies. Besides the fact that I thought the original series did a pretty great job at appealing to children without a silly slapstick character, why in the world do we have extended scenes about the politics of this galaxy far, far away. I have to be honest, even as a man of 30 years old, I still don’t have a goddamn clue what is going on in these movies half the time. And I’ve seen 8 episodes of House of Cards, so I know what I’m doing. Besides that, half the shit doesn’t even make sense. How can you be a Queen and then all of a sudden become a Senator? That’s two different political systems!
1. The Chemistry Between Natalie Portman and Hayden Christensen
Good lord, these two could not like each other less. I don’t know what went on behind the scenes, but there’s just nothing there. And this is Natalie Portman we’re talking about here, not some random street urchin. Most heterosexual men would be concentrating on suppressing their erection once they get five feet from her. But she’s terrible, too, don’t get me wrong. What sucks is that this is a major part of Attack of the Clones, and it’s where the worst movie of all six Star Wars films is at its absolute worst. We’re stuck watching these two mannequins come to life and pretend to understand what it’s like to be in love.
I’m starting to think George Lucas is a lot like Tommy Wiseau, the writer-director of the abysmal film The Room. Both of these men seem to have an alien perspective when it comes to basic human interaction. Most of their ideas of what constitutes love and relationships are informed by movies they’ve seen. I can’t believe George Lucas actually has kids, because he writes love scenes like a virgin.