So Netflix has finally answered the slightly ironic call by millennials to bring back the Full House cast for a brand new series. Nearly twenty years after the saccharine sweet family show abruptly ended its run, Fuller House looks like it’s planning to just retread everything we sort of liked as kids, while mercifully (more like ‘Have Mercifully’, amiright?) removing the one thing we all hated: Michelle.
As I’m sure I’m going to devour this show, which will be a nice change-of-pace from the SECOND CONSECUTIVE binge watch of Gossip Girl that my wife is making me sit through, I’ve decided to preemptively design a drinking game to keep Fuller House interesting.
TAKE A DRINK WHEN:
-Uncle Jesse says “Have Mercy!”
-Joey does a Bullwinkle or Popeye impression
-Stephanie says “How rude!”
-Any shot of the Golden Gate Bridge
-Any shot of a trolley car
-Danny mentions a cleaning product or tool
-Steve is seen eating something
-Kimmy says “Tannerinos” or “Fullerinos”
-Jesse talks about Elvis
-two characters hug
-you get an uncomfortable Christian vibe from DJ
-somebody uses a cellphone
TAKE A SHOT WHEN:
-The smell of Kimmy’s feet is mentioned
-Jesse’s music career is mentioned
-Mr. Woodchuck makes an appearance
-Michelle is mentioned
–Wake Up, San Francisco is mentioned
-Nicky and/or Alex are mentioned
-Rebecca and Jesse kiss
-When anyone uses a Michelle Tanner catchphrase
-One of the girls is revealed to have a super cool, hip job like graphic designer, ad executive, musician, or commercial pilot
-Whenever you think “Yeah, I’d totally have sex with that actor/actress.” (DOUBLE SHOT WHEN: said actor or actress is outside of your preferred gender of sexual partner.)
-a heartfelt moment that invokes the name of a dead family member (DOUBLE SHOT IF: said dead family member is Papouli, Uncle Jesse’s uncle from Greece)
-a character sits at the dinner table with their back toward the camera (DOUBLE SHOT IF: said character is an adult)
FINISH YOUR DRINK WHEN:
-Uncle Jesse performs or the family sings together
-Joey dusts off his Bill Murray as Carl Spuckler impression
-Joey or Danny acknowledge their crippling loneliness
-A scene takes place on the set of Wake Up, San Francisco
-A scene takes place at the Smash Club
-Aunt Becky has a storyline that is completely independent of her husband, her children, or coming to the aide of any other character.
-Any time a character mentions Pam Tanner
-In the off chance a minority character makes an appearance, including Denise. You know what? I really hope this happens. I’d really like to see what this character has been up to these years. I bet she’s hot.
-Aaron Bailey shows up.
-Any of these issues are wrapped up in a single episode: drugs, underage drinking, teens having sex/losing virginity/teenage pregnancy, police brutality, abortion rights, the Patriot Act, the economic collapse of 2008, date rape/the issue of consent, college tuition costs, The Black Lives Matter movement, Benghazi, the war on Christmas, Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas, trap queens, thots, or Beyonce’s “Formation” video.
DO A LINE OF COCAINE IF:
-Rusty the Rustman: the Master of Disaster shows up
-Any of the surviving Beach Boys show up
-If Roger Lodge, the guy that used to host Blind Date, reprises his role as the drummer from Jesse and the Rippers
-Cathy Santoni is mentioned