Last year, April was “Arnold in April” Month at the Main Damie, where I watched The Running Man and virtually stalked the kids from Kindergarten Cop. So it’s time for the 2nd Arnold in April Month with an Arnold-centric 5 For Friday.
After his years as the Governator, Arnold is back to making movies, so what better way to celebrate than to cast him in a bunch more movies that could’ve used his natural screen presence. Here are 5 Movies That Should Be Remade As Arnold Schwarzenegger Crossovers
5. American Pie
Remember when Jason Biggs set up a webcam in his bedroom because he knew the sexy exchange student would be getting undressed in there shortly after? Remember how the idiots broadcast this to the whole school? Remember how that seemed totally okay in 1999, even though she might be underage (?) and she has no idea she’s being recorded? Those late 90’s were a crazy time.
Crossover with… Kindergarten Cop
Enter Detective John Kimball, Arnold’s character from Kindergarten Cop. This time, Kimball is infiltrating the high school from American Pie to track down the pervert sex criminals that deal in hidden camera sex shows and sexually assaulting pastries. One by one, he takes out the criminal ring of this seemingly wholesome high school and celebrates by banging Stifler’s mom.
4. Ex Machina
Ex Machina was one of my favorite films of 2015. It’s a well-crafted sci-fi film that lives in a world that feels real. Terminator: Genisys is a movie from the same year that you cannot describe in the same way. What the reboot/sequel/reimaging of the once great sci-fi action series did was just confuse the timeline more than it already was. It’s time to bring it back to basics.
In Ex Machina, Oscar Isaac’s character Nathan is working on the next phase of artificial intelligence, which basically means he’s working on a sex robot that doesn’t feel like you’re having sex with a robot. As Nathan is pretty much a misogynist, the sex robot is a female. But if Nathan was working on a sex robot to keep the ladies happy, he might have just created…
Crossover with… The Terminator
What if the T-800 was the first attempt at a male sex robot, and instead of crushing vagina, he crushes skulls that litter the post-apocalyptic future we see in Terminator 2: Judgment Day? It’s not completely out of the realm of possibility. Most stories involving robots usually end with the robot killing someone, so I could definitely see the T-800 just ripping Nathan’s arms off and beating him to death with them. Then, he somehow gets off the island and splits his time between bedding and murdering Sarah Connor’s all over the world.
3. Ghostbusters 2
Despite that it pales in comparison to the original, I still love Ghostbusters 2. I was four when it came out, so it came about at the perfect time for me. The main villain in the movie is Vigo the Carpathian. You know what that sounds an awful lot like? Conan the Barbarian.
Crossover with… Conan the Barbarian
What I am suggesting is that we remake Ghostbusters 2 as a crossover between the Ghostbusters and Conan the Barbarian. Much like his other fish-out-of-water tale, Hercules in New York, Conan somehow winds up in New York City (maybe through a magic painting, too) and terrorizes the city. It’s up to the Ghostbusters to take care of this pseudo-ghost, but more likely time traveling fictional warrior. There’s some plot holes, I’ll admit, but Vigo is functional for only the final scene and he gets destroyed by singing New Yorkers. At least Conan will decapitate some fools before he gets taken down.
2. Friday the 13th
We’ve had Alien vs. Predator, Batman v Superman (more on that in a bit), and Freddy vs. Jason. What if, though, we finally got the versus movie you didn’t even realize you wanted: Dutch vs. Jason.
Crossover with… Predator
In Predator, Dutch traverses the jungle to take down Predator, who’s arguably much more of an adversary than Jason Voorhees, so what if, instead of a team of commandos trying to track down an alien species, Dutch is sent to Camp Crystal Lake to extract a group of sexy teens being terrorized by a lunatic in a hockey mask? It all leads up to one epic showdown, most likely on a dock because that’s where every showdown in the Jason Voorhees series ultimately takes place and Dutch just explodes himself and Jason with some sort of grenade. What’s great about this, though, is that Jason will survive for another movie, no matter what, so the sequel potential with Carl Weathers is high.
1. Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice
Look: I still haven’t seen Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (Ugh, this goddamn title), but one of the prevailing criticisms of the film that I’ve picked up on is the complete lack of joy and fun that permeates every frame. Superman is supposed to be fun, if not a little bit campy; that’s what made the Christopher Reeve era so successful.
Crossover with… Batman and Robin
You know what movie had the opposite problem? That it wasn’t serious enough? A little movie called Batman and Robin. In that abortion of a movie, Arnold Schwarzenegger played Mr. Freeze, and boy I tell you, he had a whole lot of fun. Every single word out of his mouth was some sort of ridiculous ice-related pun. Say what you will about the Bat-nipples and the Bat-credit card, and the movie as a whole, as stupid as the character of Mr. Freeze is, he’s at least entertaining.
I say you bring Arnie back as the Freeze and tone down the camp just a little bit and you can have at least a few laughs in an otherwise (allegedly) joyless movie.
The Main Damie 