Game of Thrones has returned for season six, as if I had to tell you that already. Life in Westeros is never great, though, even this far into the storyline. It’s basically a story about whose life sucks the very least at this moment, which is what this power ranking will discuss.
NOTE: There are MAJOR spoilers in this article so please read with caution.
Not Ranked: Ser Davos, King Tommen, Bronn, Zombie Mountain, Ser Pounce, that guy that kind of looks like Ron Paul, Daario
12. Jon Snow
Yup. Still dead.
11. Margaery Tyrell-Baratheon
Having the worst time of anyone that still has a pulse, poor Margaery is stuck in prison because she won’t confess to giving false testimony concerning her brother’s buggery charges. So now she gets to spend the days being preached at by a psycho nun that likes to hit.
10. Arya Stark
Barely better than being imprisoned by religious freaks is the notion of being stuck in a place that you don’t know and being struck blind by magic. To add to the plight, Arya has an appointment every day to be beat up with sticks by some girl. She better get DareDevil-ing real soon or else she’s gonna wish she was her half-brother Jon.
9. Jorah Mormont
Hey, why don’t you go looking for the girl that you love, that will never love you back, with the super-handsome guy that’s plowing her? Oh, also you have a degenerative skin disease that turns you into some sort of stone zombie. Have fun with that.
8. Ramsay Bolton
Your dad already hates you and you just lost your meal ticket to rule Winterfell because the guy whose dick you cut off seasons ago ran off with her. Also, you’re a sociopath.
7. Jamie and Cersei Lannister
These two are burying their dead kids seemingly once per season. At least Cersei has the zombie mountain at her disposal. That’s pretty cool. Jamie still only has one hand, but he’s got all his hair, so that’s good; I know people that one give up the former to have more of the latter.
6. Danaerys Targaryen
Dany’s always so cocky right before her world inevitably goes to shit; her situation with the new Dothraki is no different. They don’t give a rat’s ass about her standing in Westeros and all those bullshit titles and her title of the khaleesi to Khal Drogo gets her a one-way ticket to the Dothraki equivalent of an old age home. And she doesn’t have her dragons, again.
5. Tyrion Lannister and Varys
Tyrion and Varys are sort of neutral in this episode. They’re stuck in Mereen and the Sons of the Harpies are still running amuck, but the targets on their back don’t seem too big right now without Dany around. They’re able to take a nice constitutional through the streets and even offer to eat a beggar’s baby. It’s quite a nice little Sunday for these two.
She may be about a thousand years old when she takes off her witchy amulet, but she still has that amulet and she’s still got it going on when she’s wearing it. She’s also probably the key to things in Westeros not going to complete shit, depending on how the Jon Snow situation pans out.
3. Sansa Stark
Things are finally starting to look up for the oldest living Stark child. She’s out of the grasp of her psycho husband Ramsay and she’s found someone less hapless than Theon to save her from the never ceasing current of shit that she’s endured; Brienne of Tarth now has her and that’s a pretty safe place to be.
2. Ellaria Sand and the Sand Snakes
Dorne seems like the Wild West of the Game of Thrones world, and that’s saying a lot, based on how batshit crazy the mainland always seems to be. They just poisoned a princess and forced her father-uncle to take her all the way back to King’s Landing, and then they just killed everybody that would stand in their way. Ellaria now stands to be the ruler of Dorne and she runs shit. She takes care of business.
1. Brienne of Tarth
It’s not easy being a certified badass in Westeros, and it looks like Brienne has got the longest active tenure in that department. After doing away with Stannis at the end of last season, she finally finds Sansa Stark and just in the knick of time. Who knows what the future holds for her currently, as the book left her storyline rather bleak, but right now she’s the queen of the crop.