Game of Thrones has returned for season six, as if I had to tell you that already. Life in Westeros is never great, though, even this far into the storyline. It’s basically a story about whose life sucks the very least at this moment, which is what this power ranking will discuss.
NOTE: There are MAJOR spoilers in this article so please read with caution.
Not ranked this week: Margaery Tyrell, Ellaria Sand and the Sand Snakes, Theon Greyjoy, Yara Greyjoy, Ser Davos, Melisandre, Brienne of Tarth, Sansa Stark, Jorah Mormont, Tyrion Lannister
12. Alliser Thorne and Jon Snow’s Assassins
Last week: 11
After the final moments of last week’s episode, you knew the last shoe was going to drop for these traitors. Now, there watch is ended, and it’s good riddance to that Ron Paul-looking sonofabitch and that little bastard, Olly.
11. Rickon Stark
Last week: Not Ranked
Sheesh. If there’s anything that may rival being dead, it’s being in the hands of Ramsay Bolton. Best-case scenario for Rickon is that Ramsay stabs him in the gut like he did his father, Roose. Worst-case scenario: Rickon is losing an appendage he hasn’t grown tired of yet.
10. King Tommen Baratheon
Last week: Not Ranked
A lame duck reign if ever there was one; King Tommen has lost control of his empire. Whether he’s being bossed around by his mother or being ignored by the High Sparrow, Tommen can’t get a damn thing done. Say what you will about his brother, Joffrey, but that kid got results. Oh, and his hot piece-of-ass wife is still in prison.
9. Danaerys Targaryen
Last week: Not Ranked
Last time we saw Dany, she was on the road with the Dothraki and was given the news that she’d be sent to live with all the other widowed Khaleesis (or is the plural just Khaleesi?) awaiting to find out what’s to become of her. Also, she’s trapped in easily the most uninteresting storyline, so that sucks.
8. Samwell Tarly
Last week: Not Ranked
Dude spent his whole portion of this episode throwing up due to seasickness. Nobody wants that.
7. Bran Stark
Last week: 1
Bran is still in the safest place he could possibly be, but the kid is starting to get anxious and impatient. Things are also going to go south shortly when he starts learning the harsh truths about the history of his world.
6. Smalljon Umber
Last week: Not Ranked
Smalljon struts into Winterfell and starts telling Ramsay what’s up. This little-seen character isn’t afraid to tell Ramsay what he thinks of him and his dead dad, but he knows he needs the help of the Boltons as the Wildlings have now come past the Wall. Rather than kneel and kiss the ring, though, he gives Ramsay what he wants: Rickon Stark.
5. Cersei and Jaime Lannister
Last week: 7 and 8
Last week, those two loving siblings were off on their own; this week, they were a united front as they defied the council with the help of terrifying Zombie Mountain. They’re making some moves to take back King’s Landing, which may involve a trial by combat, so we’ll have to see how this plays out.
4. Varys
Last week: Not Ranked
While Tyrion is dicking around with Grey Worm and Missandei, Varys is back to his old ways of getting info. This time, Varys is trading safe passage out of Mereen to a prostitute for information on who the Sons of the Harpys are working for. For a guy with no dick, he sure is a man of action.
3. Ramsay Bolton
Last week: 2
Besides being called out on killing his father, Ramsay’s life is still pretty okay. Now, he has an ally in the north in the Umbers and he has a new bargaining chip/plaything in Rickon. The sociopath in Ramsay has the hugest boner right now.
2. Arya Stark
Last week: 10
Life gets pretty great when you get your eyesight back. Arya started to hone her skills as a blind fighter, like Zatoichi or Daredevil, but once she did, she was rewarded with her ability to see and she’s well on her way to becoming one of the Faceless Men.
1. Jon Snow
Last week: 6
Coming back from the dead and not being a White Walker is pretty sweet. Just ask Jesus. Jon Snow took the opportunity to reluctantly smite his attackers and then toss off his Lord Commander jacket. As a friend mentioned, technically his watch is ended now that he has died, so Jon wastes no time in disregarding his oath in, hopefully in favor of some warmer climates.
The Main Damie 