Game of Thrones has returned for season six, as if I had to tell you that already. Life in Westeros is never great, though, even this far into the storyline. It’s basically a story about whose life sucks the very least at this moment, which is what this power ranking will discuss.

NOTE: There are MAJOR spoilers in this article so please read with caution.

Not ranked this week: Ellaria Sand and the Sand Snakes, Yara Greyjoy, King Tommen, Melisandre, Tyrion Lannister, Cersei Lannister, Varys

 

12. Theon Greyjoy

There’s nothing worse than being dickless in a whorehouse… unless you’re Yara, who seemed to be having a lot of fun.

 

11. Ian McShane of House Swearengen

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Ian McShane is always a badass, but he’s the only major character that died in this episode, in the exact way the Broken Man said it would happen, which kind of sucks to be warned about something and then just do nothing to prevent it.

 

10. Arya Stark

Gutted by the Waif. Should’ve seen that coming. But she’s still alive for the time being. And it looks like she does some parkour Jason Bourne style shit in the next episode, so hopefully things turn around.

 

9. Edmure Tully

Edmure’s just a goddamn pawn all over the place. The last time we saw him, he was getting hitched to a Frey daughter. Now, he’s getting paraded around having his life threatened all the time.

 

8. Sansa Stark

Along with Jon and Ser Davos, Sansa is going on a thankless journey to round up people to fight against the Boltons. Even worse, she has to reach out to the one person she doesn’t want to that happens to have men: Littlefinger. It sucks to swallow your pride, even worse when you have to do so with the guy that sold you to a sociopath rapist.

 

7. Jon Snow

Jon Snow is basically one of those people that you find on the subway talking about how bad their life has been and just needs a couple of bucks to eat. It’s kind of sad.

 

6. Jaime Lannister

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Banished from King’s Landing, Jaime’s now stuck hanging out with Bronn as they are basically doing bitch errands for brainwashed King Tommen. He even gets told to go fuck himself, essentially, which sucks. I’m sure he’d rather be bending his sister over, which is kind of weird, but it’s one of his major character traits.

 

5. Olenna Tyrell

Olenna is the baddest bitch in all of the Westeros; she’ll even throw shade at Cersei who just stands there and takes it. Too bad she’s in the High Sparrow’s crosshairs, though, or else she’d be higher.

 

4. Sandor Clegane

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The Hound is back and he has an axe. If the final episodes of this season are just him going around killing people with an axe, I’m okay with that.

 

3. Blackfish

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I barely have any idea of who Blackfish is in the grand scheme of things, but this guy just told the Kingslayer to go fuck off. I have the utmost respect for this guy.

 

2. Tormund Giantsbane and Tormund Giantsbane’s Hair

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Tormund had one scene, where helped convince his Wildling brethren to stand with Jon Snow. But his entry is about his hair; it’s goddamn glorious in this episode.

 

1. Lyanna Mormont

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This girl has a bright future, I don’t care if she only has 60+ men. She commands respect from anyone around him despite being in grade school. I don’t know much more about this character, but she’s a badass already.

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