Game of Thrones has returned for season six, as if I had to tell you that already. Life in Westeros is never great, though, even this far into the storyline. It’s basically a story about whose life sucks the very least at this moment, which is what this power ranking will discuss.
NOTE: There are MAJOR spoilers in this article so please read with caution.
Not ranked this week: Melisandre, Tormund Giantsbane, Brienne of Tarth, The Hound, Gendry, Tyrion Lannister
12. The High Sparrow/Margaery Tyrell/Loras Tyrell
RIP to the most attractive woman on the show (Margaery), the biggest wasted opportunity (Loras), and the dirtiest pope since Benedict.
11. King Tommen
Kid took the Bran Express off the Iron Throne. I bet it mostly has to do with how much sex he hasn’t been getting. Someone Photoshop that Cleveland Browns jersey to have all the names of the kings of Westeros starting with Aerys, please.
10. Walder Frey
Fuck off, Walder Frey. Go back to tending the grounds of Hogwarts (David Bradley also played Argus Filch in the Harry Potter film series.)
9. Daario Naharis
I’d almost rather be dead in King’s Landing than alive in Meereen. Daario is stuck ruling the Game of Thrones stand-in for Egypt, so I’m guessing it’s really hot and sandy. And you know the thing about sand (it’s coarse and it gets everywhere). Plus, he now has to say goodbye to the woman he’s been banging, who’s probably going to rule Westeros come next season. Daario is basically the guy that Adele wrote the 21 album about: but a footnote in history.
8. Petyr Baelish
If you’re going to try and kiss someone that’s young enough to be your daughter, you’d best not try it with a girl that you basically sold off to be raped constantly; that’s just common sense. Littlefinger overplays his hand hard and just winds up getting shot down by yet another Stark woman. Dude knows how to play the game, but he ain’t got no game. Put that on a meme, please.
7. Ellaria Sand and the Sand Snakes
Hey, look! Dorne is back. Unfortunately, the Dorne storyline is basically just would piece of Daenerys assembling Westeros’ Mightiest Heroes, but at least they’re part of the plan. After seeing them in episode one of this season, it was looking like they’d get lost in the shuffle, but now they’re on their boats heading to King’s Landing.
Varys is kind of the anti-Littlefinger. They both seem to be master-manipulators pulling the strings, but it seems like Varys is doing so in order to put the right people where they need to be.
5. Arya Stark
NOW that two season story arc makes sense. Thank the Old Gods.
4. Sansa Stark
Sansa is basically the reason why the Starks took back Winterfell, but she’s kind of letting Jon take all the credit, at least for the time being. She’s kind of in the Prince Harry position, right now. That’s a good place to be until she maybe marries her “half brother”.
3. Jon Snow
Welcome your new King of the North, Jon Francis Snow. I don’t know if it’s a good thing to be, but he’s probably going to wind up marrying his aunt at some point. Either way, he’s in a power position right now, even after royally fucking up the battle against the Bolton army. Sometimes, it’s better to be lucky than good.
2. Daenerys Targaryen
The potential is high for the Mother of Dragons. She’s got everything going in her favor, right now, but she’s got a long ass journey ahead of her. There’s also the looming threat of the other Ironborn ships somewhere around the ocean (is that right? I don’t think that’s right.), but for now
1a. Ramin Djawadi
Historically, this list is based solely on characters only, but on this episode, I would be remised if I did not acknowledge the incredible score that Ramin Djawadi did for the season finale. The opening King’s Landing scenes alone give him a share of the top spot this week.
1b. Cersei Lannister
It’s good to be the queen, it seems… for now. The big ass Targaryen/Martell/Tyrell/Greyjoy/Dothraki fleet is heading straight for King’s Landing, but at the moment the Iron Throne belongs to the most cold-blooded bitch in all the land. Sure, she basically killed the last child she had, but she didn’t seem to be all that fond of Tommen. Besides, she really just wanted to rule Westeros herself and Tommen was more in the way than he was helping. Plus, she also got Margaery out of the way, finally putting an end to that little feud. For the moment, this game belongs to Queen Cersei, First of Her Name.