5 For Friday: Who Would Win in a Fight? Brendan Fraser or Tom Cruise

This weekend marks the release of The Mummy, Universal’s… shall we say interesting jump start for what they are hoping to be their own shared universe featuring their classic monsters properties. So get ready for Johnny Depp as the Invisible Man, unless this thing bombs terribly, which according to early reviews, is a real possibility.

The one takeaway from the release of this film is that people still happen to have a soft spot for the 1999 version of The Mummy starring Brendan Fraser. Personally, I find the film to be a fun 1990s adventure film and Brendan Fraser does a great job at being a legitimate leading man in the role. Naturally, this led me to question who would win in a fight between Brendan Fraser and Tom Cruise, so here’s this week’s 5 For Friday: Who Would Win in a Fight? Brendan Fraser or Tom Cruise

 

Tale of the Tape

Brendan Fraser: 6’3”

Tom Cruise: A generous 5’7”

Advantage: Brendan Fraser

This one isn’t even close. Fraser stands at a towering, strapping 6’3”, while Tom Cruise is so short that he could only lie as tall as 5’7” on his IMDB page. Cruise can’t fight while standing on an apple box, so he’s stuck trading fisticuffs at nearly perfect blowjob level to Brendan Fraser. Tom’s going to have to swing up for this one, so Fraser obviously has the physical advantage over Tom Terrific.

 

Posse

Brendan Fraser: Sean Astin, Pauly Shore, one of the monkeys from George of the Jungle, but definitely not anyone from School Ties

Tom Cruise: Ice Man, David Miscavige, the spirit of L Ron Hubbard, but definitely not Goose

Advantage: Tom Cruise

 This is where Tom’s celebrity status can come into play. Not only can Tom pull one of the best wingmen of all-time in Ice Man (not Val Kilmer), but he’s also able to bring notoriously bat-shit crazy, half-person leader of Scientology David Miscavige. Besides probably being responsible for the mysterious disappearance of his wife (no confirmed sightings since 2007), he’s been to known to just beat the ever-loving shit out of members of the Scientology community simply because he can.

Fraser doesn’t exactly have anyone to match up with that level of insanity. Maybe if Paul Shore was Andy Dick, we’d have an even match, but he’s not. It’s too bad he was such an outcast in School Ties, because that cast included Matt Damon and Ben Affleck and you know those Boston guys could throw hands.

 

Age

Brendan Fraser: 48

Tom Cruise: Ageless

Advantage: Tom Cruise

Somewhere in an attic, there is a portrait of Tom Cruise getting older. Seriously, this guy is going to outlive us all, so when the polar ice caps do melt, he’ll be the only person around, riding jetskis and performing his own stunts for the latest Mission: Impossible film.

Brendan Fraser is 48 and he’s aged as a normal 48-year-old human being would. No knock against him, but he’s going up against some sort of immortal being that will outlive us all.

 

Emotional Baggage

Brendan Fraser: 1 divorce and a squeaky clean image 

Tom Cruise: 3 divorces and a crumbling Scientology empire that he helped build

Advantage: Brendan Fraser

You know you’re in trouble when Leah Remini starts picking at your bones. It seems like every week, there’s a brand new Scientology documentary that tries to tear down everything they’ve built, even though South Park did it more than a decade ago. Throw in those constant gay rumors that constantly swirl around Cruise’s head and three failed marriages, and he’s bringing a lot with him into this fight.

Fraser on the other hand comes into this fight with a clear conscious, as he seems to be consummate Canadian and a genuinely nice guy. He’d probably knock you down in a fight and then ask if you’re okay. Plus, he’s an amateur photographer, so he has an outlet to help him relieve stress. What I’m saying is that you won’t find him jumping on any couches owned by super-rich black women.

 

Fighting Strength

Brendan Fraser: Could probably punch really hard

Tom Cruise: Runs everywhere

Advantage: Brendan Fraser

I kind of feel like Brendan Fraser could punch Tom Cruise straight through a wall, no? We’re talking Drago vs. Balboa, only in this one, Drago annihilates Balboa on the first punch. Tom Cruise has the elusiveness to his advantage, but that will only take you so far in a street fight. It works for Floyd Mayweather in boxing, but you can only bob and weave so long on the streets before you get picked up and thrown in the nearest open dumpster.

 

WINNER: Brendan Fraser

To me, there really wasn’t any doubt about this one. Fraser is just too much of a physical presence for Tom Cruise to overcome. Sure, ever so often Li’l Mac will knock out Mike Tyson, but you have to fight flawlessly: one punch lands and it’s nearly over. Cruise will get some help from his friends and his mystical Scientology powers, but Fraser puts him in the ground, regardless.

 

Who do you think would win in a fight? Let us know in the comments below.