Johnny Knoxville’s new film, Action Point, comes out today, which I guess is about an amusement park. While I await Jackass 4, here’s a list of some fictional amusement parks I want to go to.
5. Walley World
Quite frankly, I don’t trust Walley World. If this was such a great place, they’d do what most normal parks do: renovate section by section. My local theme park, Six Flags Great Adventure, would people lives in danger on the reg, and they would never shut down the whole park. They’d just shut down Kingda Ka… again. (Not that I care. Rollercoasters are a ‘fuck no’ from me.) The fact that Walley World, which is supposedly so great that a family would decide to drive cross country to see it, is in a state of utter disrepair. And the fact that there is a single witless security guard there to protect the park leads me to believe that this place is a piece of shit.
4. Happy World Land
This one’s a bit of a wild card, because I may be the only person to remember this. I must have rented Tiny Toons Adventures: How I Spent My Summer Vacation at least three separate times. And I’ll be honest: this place looks terrifying. Every ride seems to have some body part thematic element, except for the Bullet Train to Heck. Like, is the whole park supposed to be housed within the body of some creepy clown that’s head is also a castle? I’m not sure; none of my questions are answered, as for some reason, Ham’s family is only interested in riding the Tooth Ferry tram system once around the park. 90s cartoons were amazing.
3. Jurassic Park
I probably shouldn’t want to go to any Jurassic Park. We’ve seen four – very soon five – movies that tell us that a park filled with dinosaurs is a terrible idea, but I can’t help but want to see dinosaurs in person. I’ve gone on record to say that Jurassic Park is a terrible idea, even if the dinosaurs don’t go completely insane, as there’s no way that it could pull a profit based on the amount of money Hammond must’ve dropped in research and development alone. But before the park goes belly-up, I’d love to see it for myself.
2. Itchy and Scratchy Land
Doing my research, I realized that I probably could have made an entire list based solely on theme parks from The Simpsons, but that list isn’t as inclusive as this one, so I chose one representative. Itchy and Scratchy Land is the most fleshed out of the Simpsons’ theme parks, and one that weaves a few references (two of which wind up on this list) together to make one of the best episodes ever. I’d go and pick up a Bort license plate, kick a cartoon mouse in the butt, and maybe even get thrown in theme park prison. Regardless, I’m there.
Like Jurassic Park, I probably shouldn’t want to go here. The lessons learned by playing God are right there in the movie and the TV show, but it’s the wild west! All my years watching Clint Eastwood movies have led me to travel to a real-life wild west world filled with robots. Westworld satisfies the same itch that something like Grand Theft Auto satisfies: things we wouldn’t normally do, we’re free to do without much thought. It’s fucked up once they start revolting, but given the high price tag, it’s also something I probably wouldn’t be able to do often, so the chances they revolt when I’m there would be thin, I assume. I’m probably not learning my lesson from watching the show is what I’m saying.
Anthony Del Vecchio is truthfully terrified of roller coasters, but not heights. Call him a baby on Twitter.