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In case you don’t venture around the internet too often, I’ll let you know that the first trailer for Fifty Shades of Grey was released yesterday and people basically loved it and loved to hate it.  Without reading the book, I can only base my judgment on hearsay and the trailer, which is what I’ll do right now.  So here’s this week’s 5 For Friday: 5 Takeaways From the Fifty Shades of Grey Trailer.

5. This is an Actual Thing People Like in a Non-ironic Way

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Far be it from me to criticize the tastes of others.  I mean, this site’s name IS a Pootie Tang reference, after all.  People like Nickelback and Two and a Half Men is still on the air; different strokes for different folks.  This, however, just has me scratching my head.

Granted, I’ve never read the books (and don’t plan to.  Deal with it.), but by all accounts, this book is poorly written by erotica standards and it looks like Christian Grey is the most boring man in the history of suit hangers.  Maybe that’s the appeal; he’s a clean slate, so save for his penchant for whips, chains, and ball-gags, women are able to project their fantasies onto him while they give their C batteries a workout.

Am I a hater just because I’m a man?  Maybe.  I don’t know.  Personally, I’d much rather see one of those Harlequin novels get the sort of attention that this movie is getting.  Pirates and stable boys; that’s something I understand.  That’s like the equivalent of a cheerleading squad practicing good tipping etiquette when they order pizza, then realize none of them have pockets.  To put 50 Shades of Grey into perspective, the reversed gender equivalent to Christian Grey would be a really attractive woman that stalks you and kills your dog, but it’s okay because she’s really into anal and cooks.  And I’ll be damned if anyone kills my dog.

4. So We’re Just Going To Pretend That Secretary Isn’t a Thing, Huh?

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There’s only one movie for me that involves S&M and a guy named Grey and that movie has James Motherfuckin’ Spader in it.  I’d almost give this movie a pass on the plagiarism front, but no one even figured that changing the guy’s last name was worth their time.  That’s next-level lazy.  By the looks of it, the only hard work that’s been done is removing the nuance and replacing it with ads at the back of an issue of GQ.  But who needs nuance when you have a glider?  Get a real plane, loser!

3. Maybe If He Didn’t Spend So Much Money on His Sex Dungeon, He Could Afford Some F***ing Furniture

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Oh, I get it: the emptiness of his apartment is symbolism for the emptiness in his life.  I didn’t need a four-year film degree to catch that, so once again, I’ve failed to find a use for it.  Maybe the ladies like their fantasies clean, but this movie looks about as sterile and sexy as an Apple store, but at least you can have your Macbook serviced there while a Mac Genius services you (hi-yo!).

This is like a Rolex ad brought to life.  The high-rise apartments, wide-angle lenses, corner offices.  It’s all a grotesque display of the fictional 1%.  So that’s the lesson here, kids: if you’re going to be abnormal in the bedroom, that bedroom better be in a penthouse, otherwise it’s not kink, it’s just weird.

 

2. So He’s Like a Rich, Handsome Buffalo Bill, Right?

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You know who was a real kinky sonofabitch?  That Buffalo Bill character from The Silence of the Lambs.  He liked to parade around his house naked, capture the occasional plus-sized woman, stick her in a hole, and later wear her skin.  Now if he was handsome, that would probably be considered mysterious.  But instead, he was Ted Levine.

Let’s not fool ourselves here: if Christian Grey had a bad haircut or a weakness for carbs, this movie is not the ladies are all over.  Why do I say this?  Because guess what ladies: your dudes probably have some deep-seeded kink of their own that they keep to themselves, because if you’re not into it, you’re totally going to freak the fuck out about it. This is why Chrome has an Incognito mode, because he doesn’t want to have to explain to you what bukkake is or why he has something for interracial porn.  He just does and he probably doesn’t know why past that, either.

The only difference is that your dude probably doesn’t look like what you pictured Christian Grey as, or star Jamie Dorner for that matter.  He’s just your gassy, soft-bellied partner, so he gets no pass if he smacks your ass a little, but if Christian Grey puts you in a hole and orders you to lotion up, and he’s dark and brooding.

1. Dudes are Gonna Get Soooo Laid

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Fear not, gents.  There’s light at the end of the tunnel.  If your woman is into this story already, there’s a good chance you’re going to get laid after you take her to see it.  Maybe she’ll even fulfill the prophecy of certain Alanis Morrisette lyrics.  Unless it sucks.  Then, she’s going to complain about how it didn’t live up to the book.  And then you won’t get laid.  To stack the deck in your favor, take her to see it on opening night, which happens to be Valentine’s Day.

What else can I say about it?  Honestly, this is not my cup of tea, if you haven’t gathered that already, but to each their own.  It looks like a more nude, but not necessarily sexier, version of a Lifetime movie.  From the trailer, the dialogue looks painful and the story doesn’t seem all that existent; not much more than you would expect from Twilight fan fiction, anyway.  At least the new version of “Crazy in Love” was decent.  I’m pretty sure my fiancee doesn’t want to see this, so I’m pretty sure I am in the clear.  If I’m not, then so be it, because I’ll refer you to Number 1.

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