The Internet has seemingly been nonstop with Sharknado talk. I’ve been a long time fan of anytime SyFy Channel shows one of these low budget B-movies. I once sat through Sasquatch Mountain because of a broken promise that Sasquatch dies because of love. And seriously, watch Two-Headed Shark Attack. It’s amazing.
While the initial groundswell of excitement is on the waning side, I figure I will give my take on this accidental phenomenon with this list. Consider this my unofficial review of this awesome movie.
5. Home-Made Bombs May Stop Sharknado Because Science
In a plot point that sounds like it was lifted from one of Ted Kaczynski’s diaries, the only way to stop a sharknado is to blow it up. If you’re counting at home, Hollywood has now taught us that bombs are the answer when it comes to enormous asteroids, jump-starting the Earth’s core, and a tornado filled with sharks. Last time I checked, the polio vaccine could only do one thing. What I’m saying is: Bombs > Jonas Salk.
4. Australians Sure Do Say “Mate” A Lot
You may have missed it in somewhere between the time the Australian character Baz ate a vegemite sandwich and the time he was rocking out to his favorite Men at Work album, but that guy sure liked to say “Mate”. He would say it before he knocked back an ice cold Foster’s, when he was out walking his pet kangaroo named Olivia Newton-John, and when he tossed his boomerang at the sharks. I watched the “Bart vs. Australia” episode of the Simpsons as research of the mates down under and they do say it a lot, second only to “Crikey!”
3. There’s Still Time For Family Bitching When There’s Flying Sharks
You may think to yourself, “Hey, you know what? No matter how bad of a dad and husband Ian Ziering is, you should probably let him and his gang of survivors into your Beverly Hills home when a sharknado is threatening their lives.” Well, then you’re an ass. Call Tara Reid petty all you want, but how else is he going to learn about responsibility if you’re going to save him every time a shark-infested natural disaster rears its ugly head? That’s called being an enabler and that’s much worse than indirectly causing your ex-husband’s death.
2. We Are NEVER Getting The 90210 Reunion That We Deserve
This movie had Steve Sanders and parts of it took place in the famed zip code. Yet, that’s all we got. You’re telling me that you have Ian Ziering and someone playing his bitchy ex-wife, and you didn’t think to put Shannen Doherty in that role? Was she too busy with her online college classes? Hell, I would’ve taken Brain Austin Green as one of the sharks. Personally, I would’ve named Ziering’s character Steve and he would make vague references about his friends from high school that all died by mysterious shark attacks. This way, you get that revenge angle at the end when he bursts out of the shark victorious. In fact, the entire cast of 90210 would have walked out of that shark if I had anything to do with it. You dropped the ball, Asylum.
1. Chainsaws Are Still the Most Badass Movie Weapon
We’ve seen chainsaws do a lot of awesome things. It gave Ash a weapon and hand not to be messed with in the Evil Dead series, Patrick Bateman toss one off the top of the steps to nail some woman right in the head in American Psycho, and we saw Leatherface do some pretty crazy with one as well. But I think I’ve seen everything when I see a shark fly… and then Ian Ziering cuts himself out from its stomach with a chainsaw, to paraphrase those racist birds from Dumbo. Imagine if Quint had one at the end of Jaws. We’d be talking about the greatest movie of all time. He’d rip through that great white like an unruly hedge, light up a cigar and say to Roy Scheider, “Did anybody order sushi?” Then someone on the beach would yell, “Beach party!” and an unseen boom box would play a Beach Boys song and everyone would dance. Then, the credits and $180 million opening weekend.