Jingle All the Way is supposed to be a fun holiday family romp, but it’s surprisingly violent. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad spend most of the time running around the Twin Cities beating the shit out of each other and anybody that gets in the way of the last TurboMan doll. Over a single day, they commit a surprising amount of crimes, enough to put most people in prison for a long time. But it’s fun! So here’s the plot of Jingle All the Way as told by the misdemeanors and felonies that everyone commits along the way.
Note: I have no background in law or law enforcement, but I’ve painstakingly worked through Jingle All the Way to bring this list to you.
Failure to Maintain a Lane, Speeding
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s character, Howard Langston, stays too long at work and is running late to his son’s karate demonstration. In order to evade traffic, he drives the shoulder and speeds.
In order to get a TurboMan doll, Howard Langston is forced to shop on Christmas Eve. At the first toy store, he meets Myron Larabee (Sinbad), who violently shakes a woman during a rant on consumerism.
Two employees mock Howard and his attempts to secure the year’s hottest toy on Christmas Eve. He grabs both by the collar in a threatening manner.
Myron attacks Howard with a full mailbag, causing Howard, a man of considerable size, to fall into a display of action figures.
Howard runs down the middle of the street, trying to chase down the last TurboMan figure.
Obstruction of Traffic
As the car speeds away, Howard hangs out in the middle of the street, causing traffic to build behind him.
After a lengthy montage of Howard visiting toy stores, Howard destroys a TurboMan display.
Parking Too Close to a Fire Hydrant
When they learn another store has a shipment of TurboMan Dolls, Howard and Myron race to their cars to get there first. Myron’s mail truck is clearly parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Howard backs into a police motorcycle as he attempts to drive to the next toy store.
At the second store, a lottery is held in order to decide who receives the limited number of TurboMan dolls. When the crowd begins to push, the lottery balls are tossed into the air, causing a riot among the shoppers, causing property damage and countless injuries to shoppers.
A woman strangles Myron.
Howard is bitten on the hand by a woman.
Myron attacks Howard with mace in order to secure a lottery ball.
Inciting a Riot/ Battery
Howard yells to the other rioters that Myron has two lottery balls in his possession, causing a group of them to attack Myron.
Assault on a Minor
Howard aggressively grabs a young child by the face after she places a lottery ball into her mouth.
Several mothers with purses attack Howard.
Copyright Infringement/Manufacturing Counterfeit Goods/Conspiracy to Sell Counterfeit Goods
When Howard fails to receive a lottery ball to get the TurboMan, the Mall Santa tells him that he can sell him a TurboMan doll for an inflated price. Howard agrees and the Mall Santa brings him to a warehouse filled with what are actually counterfeit TurboMan dolls. The scheme involves dozens of mall Santas as well as their elves. It’s as stupid as it sounds.
Assault with a Blunt Instrument
Howard uses a large candy cane decoration to hit several mall Santas in the face.
Howard is attacked by a group of Mall Santas before a police raid breaks up the counterfeit ring.
Impersonating a Federal Agent/Evading a Police Officer
Howard poses as a federal agent in order to escape arrest.
At a diner, Howard and Myron hear that a radio station is giving away a TurboMan as a prize in a call-in contest. Howard gets to the payphone first, but in a struggle, Myron rips the receiver off the wall.
Howard grabs Myron and throttles him on a diner table.
Myron hip-checks Howard in the street, sending him toppling over a newsstand.
Howard and Myron both run down the middle of the street towards the local radio station.
Howard and Myron both enter the radio station, through a door clearly marked “Authorized Personnel Only”.
Howard finds out that the contest is not exactly what it seems. The prize is actually a gift certificate and not a TurboMan doll. Howard deals with this disappointment by threatening to strike the radio announcer with his fist.
Myron threatens to blow up the radio station with what he believes his a homemade explosion device.
Myron takes the announcer and Howard hostage with his assumed homemade explosive device.
After the “bomb” fails to go off, Howard opens the package (which isn’t addressed to him) to discover it is merely a music box.
Aggravated Assault on a Police Officer
Once again, Myron threatens people with an explosive device, this time, an entire police force.
The second bomb is, in fact, a bomb. The bomb explodes as Officer Hummell attempts to open it.
During Myron’s standoff with cops, Howard evades arrest.
Burglary/Destruction of Private Property/Criminal Mischief
Returning home, Howard is overcome with jealousy against his neighbor Ted, whom informed Howard early in the film that he has a TurboMan for his son under their Christmas tree. Howard breaks into Ted’s house in order to steal the TurboMan doll. In the process, he is chased by the pet reindeer Ted has bought for his son, causing property damage including setting a Christmas ornament on fire and kicking it through a window. It’s as stupid as it sounds.
Howard punches the reindeer in the face, and then feeds it alcohol.
Evading a Police Officer/Resisting Arrest
On his way to the Winterfest parade, Howard once again runs into Officer Hummell, literally. Hummell commands Howard to stop, based on his involvement in that whole bombing thing, but Howard simply runs away and hides.
Ted makes advances on Howard’s wife in his car. She’s threatened enough to hit him with a thermos full of eggnog in order to escape.
Through a case of mistaken identity, Howard is mistaken for the actor that will play TurboMan in the parade. TurboMan is tasked with choosing a child from the crowd who will receive a TurboMan doll. He chooses his own son.
Myron attacks and ties up the actor that is supposed to play Dementor.
Myron, as Dementor, punches the actor playing Booster, TurboMan’s sidekick.
8 Counts of Battery
Eight children attending the parade attack Booster after he falls off the float. Because nobody likes Booster.
Myron uses a rocket fist and hits Howard in the face.
Assault on a Minor
Myron grabs Howard’s son Jamie in an attempt to wrestle the TurboMan doll away from him.
Jamie kicks Myron in the testicles.
Howard physically attacks actors that are attempting to perform a choreographed fight sequence. Howard knees one in the groin, knocks two of them into each other, and throws one into a crowd of other actors.
Child Endangerment/Attempted Murder of a Minor
Myron chases Jamie up a fire escape and onto a roof in an attempt to… throw him off the roof?
Unauthorized Use of an Aircraft
Howard uses the jetpack in order to rescue Jamie. Again, he is mistaken for an actor, one that is most likely licensed to use the aircraft.
Destruction of Private Property/Criminal Mischief
Howard recklessly flies the jetpack around the city, crashing through a family’s window.
Violation of FAA Regulation Sec. 103.9/103.15
Howard operates the jetpack in a manner that causes destruction to private property (Sec. 103.9) and over a congested area (Sec. 103.15).
So, there you have it: everybody in Jingle All the Way should be in jail for a number of reasons. For no other reason, they should all be in jail for allowing Jingle All the Way 2 (with Larry the Cable Guy) to happen.
My son and I watched this last night, and this was our running narrative, too. Happy to see this blog post and great minds thinking alike! … Our bottom line assessment was the Sinbad is spending the rest of his life in prison for the terrorist attack on law enforcement. Schwarzenegger was probably looking at 5-7 years, minimum, until his hero act at the end, which will probably result in some leniency from the courts, UNLESS they definitively tie him to the mail bombing attack. Schwarzenegger however, is almost certainly looking at numerous serious civil suits, starting with one from his neighbor, even if he avoid criminal charges.