Nicolas Cage makes some bad movies. That’s understood, but lost in that fact is the fact that Nicolas Cage makes bad movies even better. If you tell me that Nic Cage is in a movie, I’m already interested, even if it’s in that “I’d love to watch a trainwreck (too soon)” sort of way.
Garbage movies do exist without the help of Nicolas Cage, however, so here’s 5 movies that I think could benefit from a little bit of the ol’ Nicolas Coppola presence.
What it’s called with Nicolas Cage: Cagenado
What’s scarier: a tornado full of sharks or Tara Reid’s inability to understand these movies? Silly rabbit, the correct answer is C) a tornado full of sharks that have Nicolas Cage faces. This shit writes itself. It’s basically the same movie: Ian Ziering, chainsaws, Beverly Hills, but all the sharks are stricken with the deformity that gives them a striking resemblance to Nicolas Cage. This isn’t that deep; just let it be.
4. Akeelah and the Bee
What it’s called with Nicolas Cage: Akeelah and the BEES! NOT THE BEES!
So I’m pretty sure this movie was that one with Richard Gere and that little black girl that was really into spelling bees. My research abilities are hampered by the fact that I don’t wanna, so this is what I’m assuming it’s about.
Anyway, in my Cage version of this film, Nicolas Cage replaces Richard Gere as the little girl’s mentor and every time she tries to spell a word, Cage gets a helmet full of bees and we get to hear him scream in pain like he did in The Wicker Man. It makes absolutely no sense, but I can totally see this as a Japanese game show. Plus, don’t we just want to see this happen over and over again anyway?
Editor’s Note: I’ve actually combined ‘Akeelah and the Bee’ with ‘Bee Season’ and I’ve come to realize this before I’ve even posted this article, but I don’t care.
What It’s Called with Nicolas Cage: Cagehood
So Boyhood is the overrated tale of a real life boy forced to do 15 minutes of work every year for 12 years. It’s pretty groundbreaking because it took 12 years to make. Did you hear it took 12 years to make?
Anyway, snarkiness aside (Aside nothing, Boyhood was garbage), Cagehood is much better. Rather than be about some random ass kid that grew up from 6 to 18 from the years 2002 to 2014(ish), this follows the true tale of what it’s like to be Nicolas Cage for those specific 12 years. We get to see him get in trouble with the IRS, don ridiculous wigs in a variety of movies, and see him star in Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans. That’s much more interesting and twice as intense as seeing some mopey douchebag not take a single piece of advice from every male figure in his life. Godammit, fuck Boyhood.
2. 50 Shades of Grey
What it’s called with Nicolas Cage: 50 Shades of Cage Or: 50 Cages of Grey Or: 50 Cages of Cage.
I will refer you to here concerning my opinion of the film adaptation of 50 Shades of Grey, but one thing that never made it into my review was the fact that I thought it would be 100 times better if Nicolas Cage played Christian Grey… or Nicolas Cage in my version. In it, rather than a movie about a rich douchebag that is kind of into S&M but still doesn’t quite understand it, we have Nicolas Cage: a “normal” actor guy that has a playroom full of Elvis memorabilia. In it, Anastasia Steele (goddamn these names) has to come to terms with the fact that her mysterious boyfriend, Nicolas Cage, has an Elvis fetish that has basically made him bankrupt, which forces him to take roles in garbage like Stolen, Trespass, and Left Behind.
1. Heaven is For Real
What It’s Called with Nicolas Cage: Heaven Is For Cage
The original film is about a young boy that has a near-death experience, sees heaven, and the rest of the movie, his father (played by Greg Kinnear) goes around asking every rational person why we can’t just take his son’s experience at face value.
In the Nic Cage version, we have the same exact questions of faith and religion, but the experience has changed. Instead of the boy seeing Heaven and relatives he’s never met before, the only person inhabiting Heaven is Nicolas Cage. He sits alone at a table with a party hat on his head, surrounded by the avalanche of Elvis memorabilia that made him go bankrupt and will undoubtedly (I assume) be his untimely death. He plays “Lowrider” for the kid. It gets weird.
Anthony was three beers in when he wrote this. Follow him on Twitter.